Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
