I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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