U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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