just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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