just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
