Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
