I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
