I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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