The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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