Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
