i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
