Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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