I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
