At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
