Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
