I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
