just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
