just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
