Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
