woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
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