and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i believe in u and ur pee
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
