I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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