Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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