found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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