Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
