I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
