They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
