It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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