My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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