dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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