i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
