So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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