i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
