i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
