I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
