I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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