Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
that's an acceptable place to lick
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
