Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We left the knife in your bed.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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