i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
