I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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