she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
