my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
