Plan B is the new Plan A
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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