I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
