bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
