Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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