this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
