Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
