I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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