his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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