So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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